National Train Day 2012

Today, May 12, 2012 is National Train Day and I have decided that thanks to AMTRAK, I really have something to celebrate this year and want to mark this special day, but how?

My first thought was to head to a homeless shelter so I can experience all the aromas, colorful people watching and third-world sanitary conditions you experience waiting in Pennsylvania Station – but the airfare to Calcutta was just too much.  Thank you again to Sheldon Silver, Elliot Spitzer and the greedy real estate developers who wouldn’t sign on to redeveloping this hell hole years ago.  We all got – what you deserve.

And of course a special thanks to Cablevision and boy genius Jimmy Dolan for screwing up the Foley Post Office Redevelopment project and everything else you touch. Isaiah Thomas, really?  All we can hope is you keep your meat hooks off jazz flute and that the Rangers exceed the grasp of your incompetence in Game 7. But again, we all got – what you deserve.

Alternatively, I can honor National Train Day by starving myself for three-hours in keeping with the mandatory AMTRAK fasting policy thrust upon us because “the café car is closed.” You know you are an institution that is behind the times when the Catholic Church passes you by – even they allow eating meat on Friday. Someone’s conscience should object to the truly B.C., Industrial Revolution era conditions that riders must endure, Cardinal Dolan please.

In fairness, maybe it’s not a Catholic thing – maybe it’s a Jewish thing. Perhaps it’s part of a clever promotional campaign I missed, “Ride AMTRAK  – We treat everyday just like Passover” or “On AMTRAK we observe the Sabbath and shut down our engines at sunset on Fridays and most other days too.”

Or perhaps I should celebrate National Train Day by honoring the workers who ferry us to and fro every trip.  With that in mind, I can go to the local Taco Bell just to experience the same level of I don’t give a hoot, sorry there is just nothing I can do, miserable service that I regularly get on board AMTRAK.  Of course, at Taco Bell, increasingly pierced and tattooed high schoolers make minimum wage, have no benefits and no job security. And even worse, over the past few years they have been forced to live with triumvirate member Colonel Sanders and his “wee beady eyes and that smug look on his face” – peering down on them all day.

It’s true, some AMTRAK employees have faced similar tough working conditions, only recently escaping Joe Biden’s wee beady eyes, chronic suntan and constant references to Osama Bin Laden.

But in fairness all the kudos don’t belong to the workers, perhaps I should celebrate AMTRAK’s excellent management. From what I understand, AMTRAK senior managers are up for the annual “Charlie Hayward NYRA Excellence in Bankrupting Quasi-Public Institutions Award.” I for one would like to see AMTRAK win this year but they are going up against some stiff competition with the folks at TSA.

Finally, I decided if I really want to celebrate National Train Day 2012 it only makes sense to do so by honoring AMTRAK’s signature achievement of 2011. So on May 12th I will go home, dig out my old Commodore 64, fire up that first AOL account and experience all the magic of dial up – yes that same “high speed internet” you get when accessing AMTRAK’s so called wireless network.  It just doesn’t get any better.

Thank you AMTRAK and Happy National Train Day 2012.


One thought on “National Train Day 2012

  1. Ed says:

    I too am an exile – fighting the good fight (in my own small way) against a tidal wave of Blue politicians and an electorate too timid to care about what really matters. Keep up the good work, we need more voices like yours to spread the word that people like me are not alone.

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